Are you carrying around some excess hidden weight? And, I’m not referring to the 5 or 10 pounds that may have packed on throughout the winter months from all that comfort food (guilty!). No, I’m talking about the invisible, energetic weight we carry around like stones in a backpack without even realizing it.
Those secret little nagging voices and thoughts that jump up at every turn to “weigh in” with their very pushy and convincing opinions. The ones that affect our relationships and how we communicate.
So what are these stones comprised of? In one word, your past (ok, that was two). If you look closely, you’ll see that these stones are carved out with stories. We have an entire library of stories we’ve written over time that we carry around with us.
We as human beings just love to cling onto those babies. I mean, they DEFINE us right? They tell us how we’ve been hurt, judged, let down, and betrayed. They are ready at a moment’s notice to jump up and protect us from ever letting that happen to us again!
Of course here’s where the irony kicks in. What we resist persists. So the more we try to protect ourselves or resist it from happening again, the more it will happen again.
Do you feel like your relationship, or even certain aspects of your life, has a pattern to it and the same ole’ thing keeps happening over and over?
The thing about stories, every time we pull them out and read them, we get more and more familiar with them, until we have them completely memorized and can recall them automatically, and so quickly that we don’t even realize they are just a story anymore, now they actually seem like living, present reality! They soon become a pattern that repeats very easily, until they do indeed create the type of phenomena seen in the movie Groundhog Day, living that story over and over again.
So where in your life do you see a story repeating itself over and over? Usually they will show up in the relationships that are the most meaningful to you – your significant other, or your birth family.
And this is no coincidence, we set a higher standard of expectations from these relationships. We take things very personally – after all, these are supposed to be the most supportive and loving relationships of our lives.
But there’s more to it than that. It is usually within the birth family that these stories are formed in the first place. And then your significant other becomes your chosen family, your partner. And so, this relationship then will repeat the pattern for you if you are not careful, it may not look exactly the same, the roles might even be reversed, but it can show up.
Here’s some questions to help you identify and release the power of your stories:
What stories are you carrying around?
How many times do you reflect on your story?
Each time you consider what’s happened in the past, is that a healthy way to spend your precious energy?
And the biggie… drumroll please….Who would you be without that story?
The next time you have an interaction with your loved one, and you feel that familiar angst rising up (here we go again!), stop and ask yourself, Who would I be right now without this story?
Pretend you are a person without that story. Try having the conversation as that pretend person and just see what happens. In other words, approach your beloved as if it were the first conversation you’ve ever have had with him/her. Don’t presuppose you know what they are going to say or do, just be in the moment and see what happens.
Because here’s the thing. (Ok, I’m gonna shoot straight here)
This IS the first conversation you are having with that person. Literally. We are all evolving and changing with each moment, even our cells and organs are regenerating in each moment. And each experience, each day, changes us, even if just a little. It’s TRUTH that energy is always moving and changing, life is always changing.
And this isn’t just some new-age mumbo jumbo. It’s simple truth.
Grow or die.
Growth is change.
We are always changing. If I’ve done my job, you will be a different person at the end of this article than you were at the beginning. And even if I haven’t, you will still be different.
(As a side-note: Interestingly enough, it is our birth families that will usually have the most difficult time accepting this truth, as they base their identities on defining each other. But another topic for another day.)
And your story? The one weighing you down and holding your life and relationship hostage? It IS just a story. Hold on to your hat – It doesn’t even exist! The only place it exists is within you. period. What happened yesterday is not real today.
It exists only. in. your. mind.
So ask yourself, what are the things that have put stress on your relationship? All of that history… it’s complicated, right? That financial mess? That argument that nearly tore you apart? That business failure?
Not real. Not today. Not now.
Sure, there’s the memory of it. That seems so dang real. And all the meaning and judgements you gave it seem real. But they are all only in one place, your thoughts. The truth is, the occurrence and all the players are no longer in existence. Including the you that was there at the time.
Oh, I can almost hear you say, “But Marci, what about all of the fallout?”
What fallout? That’s just part of your story.
Look at each moment, each conversation, each interaction as simply an event. Now, take a look at the “event” in front of you, just the event . Drop all of the fears, judgements, opinions, history, and meanings you are giving the event. Just deal with the event in this moment, in this time.
Is this process easy to do? I wish I could say yes, but no, it takes a lot of practice and I have to remind myself to do it on a daily basis. Unwinding years of an entrenched pattern can be tough, so go easy on yourself, it may take some time. But your efforts will be so worth it in the end!
So I’ll leave you with a choice, it’s all yours to make. Are you going to throw that story in your backpack to carry it along with you to the next moment, the next conversation? Or, are you going to drop that rock and be the person without that story?
For me, I’m thinking lighter definitely feels better.
Please help me share the Love!